The post I feel like writing today holds words like grey, cold, weary, sore, sad, sleep deprived, nauseas, lonely, and blegh. The post I can write today is full of words like blue, warm, content, joyful, thankful, and grace-filled.
Last night was no fun.
After returning from a late walk, I began what would turn into 6 solid hours of hard contractions (3 hours of which I was able to sleep through) and then a fitful 5 hours of diminishing contractions. This morning I got up grumpy. And nervous (because those lasted entirely too long for only being 31 weeks). Also irritable. And wishing I were back in Greenville (not that being back there would change anything about last night). But I then remembered something that had happened and I couldn't help but be thankful too. And amazed. And reminded that I'm not alone.
Around 3am I was awoken by a more severe set of contractions than the ones I went to sleep with. Anytime you wake up in the night because of pain, it tends to be more scary than if you were dealing with that same pain during the day (I think it must have something to do with the fact that you aren't quite capable of rational thinking until after 6am). Regardless, being awoken by contractions I was hoping would go away as I slept made me very fearful.
'Its too soon! He's not ready! We're not ready! It's too early! Something's wrong!' Repeated on an endless loop in my mind.
Then out of the dark, like a whisper from the recesses of my heart, the song 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus' started to play.
I don't know about you, but I haven't sung that song in years. It was never particularly special to me, and to be honest I've never really enjoyed singing it. In the light of day I really don't think I could even accurately recall the lyrics.
But there in the dark, in that pain-and-fear-filled moment, those words were the only thing that could comfort my heart. The first verse kept repeating in my head (that I had to look up this morning because I don't actually know it) over and over every time the fear would threaten me:
What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer
Over and over that verse softly repeated in my mind for the next hour and a half.
Thinking about that sweet moment when I woke up this morning, even through my grumpiness and tiredness, I was reminded of how full of love the Father is for us. For me! Even though I massively fail him. Even though I forget about him. Even though I act sometimes like I don't even know him. He doesn't forget. He doesn't give the cold shoulder. He doesn't stop comforting. He doesn't give up!
So today I get to write about thankfulness and how blue the sky is. How warm the sun is. How beautiful our city is. How I'm wearing shorts even though it's probably still too cold. How Little Man is still kicking and active. How the contractions stopped and im not actually in early labor. How I have a husband who will pull down the scary-possibly-full-of-spiders-and-maybe-mice vines from our porch, and how he still hugs me close and kisses my cheeks even when I'm irritable and not-fun.
I have a lot to be thankful for today and the amazing thing is, I actually am thankful.